Understanding the Cycle Between Self-Harm and Self-Care
Monday mornings sometimes arrive with both visible and invisible wounds. Today, I'm showing up with both—emotional heaviness from Mother's Day and a physical wound on my chin from picking at hormonal acne.
As I cleaned and patched up my red and swollen chin again this afternoon, I found myself thinking about a pattern I've noticed in my own healing journey: how often my moments of self-harm (whether it's skin picking, pushing past my limits, or numbing out) are followed by intense waves of self-care and nurturing.
It's like my body ping-pongs between these extremes—harming and healing, disconnecting and reconnecting. And I know I'm not alone in this dance.
The Pattern Many of Us Know
Maybe you recognize this cycle too:
The stress that builds until you need release
The momentary relief that comes from the harmful behavior
The shame that follows
The renewed commitment to self-care
And then... the cycle begins again
For years, I felt trapped in this pattern, believing it meant I was failing at healing. But here's what I've come to understand: these behaviors often develop as survival strategies, especially for those of us who experienced early loss or trauma.
Why Our Nervous Systems Seek Extremes
When we've lived through profound disruption—like losing a parent young, experiencing unstable living situations, or growing up too quickly—our nervous systems sometimes learn that the only way to feel is through extremes. The picking, the pushing, the numbing—they're all ways our bodies try to regulate overwhelming emotions when we never learned gentler ways to find relief.
For those of us who had to be "mature for our age" or who learned early that our worth was tied to caring for others, these patterns can be particularly entrenched. We might swing between:
Completely disconnecting from our needs → Intense self-nurturing practices
Pushing ourselves to exhaustion → Collapse and rest
Numbing behaviors → Hyperawareness of feelings
Self-criticism → Waves of self-compassion
The Intelligence Behind the Pattern
What I find remarkable is that within this cycle lies profound wisdom. Even in our most challenging moments, part of us is always seeking healing. The self-care that follows self-harm isn't separate from the pattern—it's our body's attempt to restore balance, to come back to center, to remember our worth.
The pattern itself shows that somewhere within us, we know we deserve care. We know we deserve gentleness. Even if we can only access it after we've hurt ourselves, that knowing is still there.
Healing Doesn't Mean Never Struggling
Here's what I want you to know if you're navigating this cycle: healing doesn't mean never engaging in these patterns again. Sometimes healing looks like:
Noticing the pattern with curiosity instead of judgment
Extending the periods of self-care
Shortening the cycles of harm
Having compassion for yourself in both states
Recognizing the intelligence behind your coping mechanisms
Creating safety so your nervous system doesn't need extremes
This morning, I chose to show up publicly with my physical wound visible because this, too, is what healing looks like. It's saying, "This is where I am today, and I'm still worthy of compassion."
Gentle Practices for Navigating the Cycle
If you find yourself in this pattern, here are some gentle approaches that you might consider experimenting with:
Create Pause Points: When you feel the urge to engage in harmful behaviors, try to create even a tiny pause. Take three breaths. Place your hand on your heart. The pause itself is healing.
Honor Both Parts: Instead of shaming the part of you that seeks harm, try to understand what it needs. Often it's seeking relief, release, or a way to feel when numbness has taken over.
Build Bridges: Look for small ways to bring self-care into difficult moments. Can you use a gentle touch while picking? Can you speak kindly to yourself while pushing your limits?
Expand Your Comfort Zone: The goal isn't to eliminate all discomfort but to create more options between the extremes. What would 60% self-care look like instead of 0% or 100%?
Seek Support: Share your experience with someone who can hold space without judgment. Sometimes shame thrives in isolation, and connection can help break the cycle.
An Invitation to Compassion
Today, I'm choosing to meet both my wounds and my wisdom with equal tenderness. The part of me that picks at my skin is trying to help me feel something after an emotionally overwhelming weekend. The part of me showing up vulnerably today is also trying to help—by creating connection, by refusing shame, by modeling that healing happens in the mess of it.
If you're reading this while navigating your own cycle of harm and healing, please know:
Your patterns make sense given what you've survived
You're not broken for having these coping mechanisms
Every moment of awareness is progress
You deserve compassion in all states
Healing isn't about perfection—it's about presence
What helps you navigate the space between harming and healing? I'd love to hear your experiences in the comments below.
Sending love and coziness,
Sarah
P.S. If you're interested in exploring gentle approaches to healing that honor your nervous system's needs, The Cozy Method might be a supportive next step. It's designed specifically for those of us who need safety before transformation.