The Gentle Truth About Control: A Compassionate Perspective
When someone calls you "controlling," it can feel like an attack on your character. That label has been placed on me too, and I know how it stings—especially when your need for predictability comes from a genuinely vulnerable place.
If you grew up with chaos or unpredictability, your need for control isn't a character flaw—it's a brilliant survival adaptation. What others might label as "controlling behavior" often began as your nervous system's way of creating safety when safety wasn't guaranteed.
The Roots of Control
For many of us who experienced early loss or attachment disruptions, control became our way of managing an unpredictable world. When I lost my mom at age 4 and navigated unstable living situations throughout my childhood, I learned that preparing for every possibility might protect me from feeling blindsided by pain again.
This need for control often stems from a deep fear—the belief that if we can just anticipate everything, perhaps we can prevent further hurt. It's our body's way of saying: "I'm trying to keep you safe."
Beyond Judgment
Instead of judging yourself for these tendencies, what if you approached them with curiosity and compassion? Your body developed these patterns for good reason. The heightened awareness, the planning, the need to know what's coming—these were all adaptations that helped you survive circumstances that felt overwhelming.
This doesn't mean we can't grow and change these patterns if they're no longer serving us, but transformation begins with understanding and self-compassion, not self-criticism.
Creating Safety Within
When you feel that urgent need for control arising, try asking yourself: "What would help me feel safe in this moment?"
Sometimes, the answer might surprise you. Perhaps it's not more control that you need, but rather:
A moment to pause and breathe
Connection with someone who makes you feel secure
Permission to feel whatever emotion is arising
Acknowledging what's actually within your control and what isn't
A Gentle Exercise in Discernment
One practice that can help create clarity is distinguishing between what you can and cannot control. But I want to acknowledge something important: this isn't always as simple as it sounds.
When I've tried to categorize things as "in my control" or "not in my control," I've often found myself stuck in the gray area between. If this happens to you too, that's completely valid.
Instead, you might try a more nuanced approach:
Write down your current concerns
For each item, ask: "What aspect of this can I influence, even slightly?"
Then ask: "What aspects are beyond my influence?"
Finally: "How can I create a sense of safety for myself regardless of the outcome?"
This isn't about perfectly categorizing your concerns—it's about creating a compassionate dialogue with yourself about where your energy might be most effectively directed.
An Alternative: The Safety Anchor Practice
If the control list feels too rigid, try this instead:
Place a hand on your heart or another part of your body that feels soothing to touch
Take a few gentle breaths, noticing the sensation of your hand on your body
Ask yourself: "What do I need right now to feel more grounded?"
Give yourself permission to meet that need, even in a small way
Remember, anxiety is your body communicating that it doesn't feel safe. Your need for control isn't something to be ashamed of—it's a signal that part of you is seeking security.
The path toward healing isn't about abandoning control entirely. It's about creating enough internal safety that external circumstances don't feel quite so threatening. It's a gentle, gradual process of building trust with yourself, one tiny moment of safety at a time.
Stay cozy,
Sarah